Crapshoot: Shadow President, a sim that lets you press the big red nuke button

From 2010 to 2014 Richard Cobbett wrote Crapshoot, a tower about rolling the dice to bring random obscure games noncurrent into the light. This week, absolute power corrupts, absolutely. What would personify the point of it otherwise? To make the world a healthier put together? Not with this more nukes!

At the bug out of the 90s, with the fall of the Berlin Bulwark and the promise of an goal to the Cold War, the United States decided to put all the great power of the President into one several computer political platform. Nobody at that place having seen The Terminator, this seemed like a good idea at the time; as indeed did calling information technology the "Shadow President" system, which was not sinister at all. Not in the least. Nope.

CHIEF OF STAFF: Mr. President, contact Darkness President. Would you like to sit out through with an informative but incredibly boring tutorial, or would you prefer to mash all the jolly buttons like a deranged chimpanzee patc we wholly hope you don't accidentally throw us invade Utah once more?

THE PRESIDENT: The extraordinary that feels less similar learning stuff.

CHIEF OF STAFF: OK. At least watch a few seconds of this video so that you understand the basics of what you bathroom do here, and admire the single ugliest title sort in the history of art. My god, it's an impressive tur of failure, matched only by the fact that the second interpretation is going to beryllium called CyberJudas, which won't even be cool for the '90s.

THE PRESIDENT: So many buttons! I can't count them all!

Principal OF STAFF: There are nine buttons, Mr. President. Let me usher in you to your staff. I am Chief of Staff, but you may forebode me Chief. These are Status Security measur Advisor, Secretary of State, Secretary of Defensive measure, Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, and Economical Advisor.

PRESS SECRETARY: Excuse me!

CHIEF OF Faculty: Oh, yes. We also have a Girl.

PRESS SECRETARY: Mr. President, while we wait for this neandertal to catch up with the ma, I've prepared this report. Your current popularity is 50%, which roughly means that given a choice between your administration and a house brick, the norm voter would already be half-way down the street after telling our pollster that, sorry, they have somewhere really important to be. I recommend you do something to establish your disposal atomic number 3 an tool of the American spirit early. Thank you for your time. This organism 1990, I am right away constrained to ask if anyone wants coffee.

Interior SECURITY ADVISOR: Tercet sugars. Sir, I suggest we focus our attention on Russia.

THE Chair: Those are the baddies, correctly?

NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR: ...

Central Intelligence Agency DIRECTOR: A most crisp, even insightful view of one of the most tense political situations ever. Bravo. Give me the word, and I can install a small team of specially chosen agents in the shadow of the Kremlin, who will work in the shadows to—

THE Chair: How many nukes behave we have?

Gaffer OF STAFF: Please tell Pine Tree State this is just for a trivia contest you're going to.

Nationalistic SECURITY ADVISOR: You have... you sustain 5,000 nukes, Mr. United States President. Might I suggest though that we first attempt to resolve our differences through a slightly inferior apocalyptic method?

THE Prexy: Fine. Bring me that rin.

UNITED STATES: Hey, Union of Soviet Socialist Republics! You suck!

RUSSIA: Hah! In Soviet Russian Federation, Russia sucks... uh... it is YOU who suck!

US: Oooh, good comeback!

THE PRESIDENT: And that ends the Cold Warfare. Next challenge!

PRESS SECRETARY: Um. Um, not quite, Mr. President.

NATIONAL SECURITY Consultant: Yes. For some reason, in public slapping them in the face moved them to form a nigher alliance with Iran and begin shipping weapons to our enemies.

Adjure SECRETARY: On the addition position, you did get a popularity point for effort. So, y'know...

Of import OF STAFF: This would be a good time to show you some of your other options, Mr. President. Your basic tools revolve around around influence rather than direct natural action. From the map, you can see what each Carry Amelia Moore Nation is currently centred along, and apply pressure from numerous vectors—social and profitable being the to the highest degree important. You can also margin call connected the CIA and the Military for much send action, though at taken for granted risk of retribution if your actions are ascertained.

THE PRESIDENT: I see. What's that final clitoris?

NATIONAL Protection Consultant: That fires the nukes. Please halt tapping out the theme to Ghostbusters on your keyboard at present.

THE PRESIDENT: Nukes are that easy to touch off?

NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR: If thinking so will make you stop that bloody noise, then yes.

Primary OF STAFF: We should perhaps save the USS situation for another day, Mister. Prexy. IT is a... slightly colonial matter. In the interim, I suggest we consolidate our alliances.

THE PRESIDENT: World Health Organization are our closest allies at the moment?

CHIEF OF STAFF: We have several, simply I would advocate the Island. We rich person a long history of working with them, we speak a common language, and they are about to have got a magnificent decade of TV to help spare us the endless rhenium-runs of Are You Beingness Served.

THE PRESIDENT: So, if I opt to tone up diplomatic ties...

THE PRESIDENT: Net ball me get this straight. Our friends, an open hand, and we've stillness only got a 50-60% chance of them not telling U.S. to go flummox our heads into their alternative of pig? What kind of friends are these limeys? Do they want Delta Squeeze showing 'em some manners? Hmm? Act up they?

NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR: Mr. President....

THE PRESIDENT: Fine. Extend that European olive tree branch of wussiness! Extend! Extend!

THE PRESIDENT: In the run-in of Her Majesty: Wankers! And what's with that "You may want to ask in for advice from us in the tense" talk? You all aforesaid this was a great idea!

Secretary of State: Well, a week is a age in political science...

THE Chairwoman: None it's not! An hour goes by every 2d! I bet the British Peak Minister doesn't have got to put up with this nonsense over in Jack London, England. Yes, Prime Pastor business must represent a great deal more entertaining than not being allowed to use nukes whenever you want by meanies.

PRIME Pastor JIM HACKER: Bugger off Sir Humphrey in here, Bernard. At in one case!

SIR HUMPHREY, Locker SECRETARY: Yes, Prize Minister?

Hack: Humphrey, what's this I hear about us turning down a handshake from the Americans?

SIR HUMPHREY: A handshake, Premier? I suppose if you believe a prelude to a request to an offer of an club to redeploy troops from Afghanistan to the new clash geographical zone accepted on the Qumrani border to be a handshake, one could see how much an appellation might put on to what has traditionally been a passably different noun in the parlance of international manner of speaking and the relationship vis-a-vis ourselves and our Allies; allies naturally in the deepest possible sense, so long as information technology remains primarily matchless of watching preferably than action and taking into account factors civil, social, economic and militaristic in any decisions rendered and any arguments debar entering a de facto—

Cyber-terrorist: You're saying their handshake had a bell in it?

SIR HUMPHREY: If you utterly must obfuscate something sol simple.

THE PRESIDENT: How are the poll numbers racket after that delusion? You. With the face.

PRESS SECRETARY: I'm afraid our press took the British snub rather badly. You'Re down to 48% in the polls, which I'm almost positive is owing thereto sort o than attributable the Soviet Union arming Persia.

NATIONAL Surety ADVISOR: How can you be sure?

Conjur SECRETARY: In a recent survey, 87% of mass thought Iran-Contra was the sequel to a popular arcade game. On the plus side, other cosmos news show, the Soviet Union had a bad week too. They dependable to promote human rights reform in Germany, and that went nowhere. They also tried to supply arms to rebels fighting in Japan, but were wrong-side-out down. That's a bit unenviable. So, you know, information technology's not just you failing at your job—you'Ra just the most humiliated at the moment.

THE PRESIDENT: Get me the CIA. I lack all descry we've got in Britain, right now. The one in the black hat and the one in white! Bond overly. I preceptor't care what it costs!

THE Chairwoman: What considerate of spies can't even keep themselves out of our media? Most of our dribbling press morons couldn't find England on a map! Of England!

Home Protection ADVISOR: Perhaps this is for the best. They'll condemn our actions, we take it connected the chin, and we can bandage things up in a workweek Beaver State thus and concentrate on the—

THE PRESIDENT: ASSASSINATE THE Premier!

Each: (appalled silence)

NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR: I... I can't believe we just did that.

THE PRESIDENT: What potty I suppose? If you're having guilt problems, I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 problems, only a Brit ain't one and only.

ALL: ...

THE PRESIDENT: This hand's not going to high-five itself, people.

CIA DIRECTOR: I reconcile.

THE PRESIDENT: Pffft. If this was the future, your kids would have found that hilarious.

THE PRESIDENT: Huh. I was sure I was exit to get information technology onto the news aft that stunt. Imagine we really do live in a cynical, uncaring world. Anyhoo. What's next happening the hoo-hah list?

CHIEF OF STAFF: Afterward being directly implicated in the blackwash of the British Prime Minister over the most trivial slight, you want to do more? You.. you...

THE PRESIDENT: I believe the term is 'Maverick'

Weightlift SECRETARY: On the asset root, we did only lose hundredth in the polls.

THE Chairwoman: See? No injury, no foul. Send Keen Britain an aid package immediately.

CHIEF OF Faculty: It's the least we can practise, really.

Weightlift SECRETARY: And we just rose two percent in the polls. Karma is weird.

Of import OF STAFF: Sir, you remember when you capriciously dead the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom for no more healthier intellect than to see if you could coiffe it?

THE Chair: Vaguely. Information technology was five proceedings ago. And I did send some aid, right?

CHIEF OF STAFF: Right. Right... Fit. They just responded to that assist.

THE PRESIDENT: Did they respond with a gift basketball hoop?

NATIONAL Protection ADVISOR: If by a gift basket you mean the SAS on a postoperative tap against us, and more than specifically you personally, then yes. A gift basket to die for, to be exact.

THE PRESIDENT: To the Crisis Way!

Public SECURITY Adviser: Sir, I want you to think selfsame carefully in front you respond. You have five options present, which will determine our level of protest. At the most basic, we can shake a fist in everyone's thoughts and function "No more! Naughty sovereign force! Head home! Shoo! You beastly, bestial beasts!"

THE PRESIDENT: Proceed.

General SECURITY Consultant: We can also go all-extinct and threaten military action, work with the UN on economic sanctions, or babble out atomic strikes. Though course, merely an imbecile would—

Boss OF Faculty: Also realise that was a wacky idea.

THE PRESIDENT: Very silly. Obviously. I am smart. What do you suggest?

NATIONAL SECURITY Consultant: Possibly sign language this little spell of paper?

THE PRESIDENT: What is IT?

Political unit SECURITY Adviser: Oh, nothing. Upright a felo-de-se note. For funsies!

THE PRESIDENT: I've got a better idea. Get's make a military menace.

THE PRESIDENT: What do those actor's line mean?

PRESS SECRETARY: In a word: "No." In cardinal: "No, hell nary, costly god, are you from Mars? NO!"

THE President: Bastards! Midpoint Option! Immediately!

NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR: You beggarly the threat of a nuclear strike, right? Delight, tell me that's what you average. I need to hear you say the words!

CHIEF OF STAFF: They're... they're standing down. Oh, thank god.

NATIONAL SECURITY Consultant: Mr. President, I cannot stress enough how important it is that we go up to improve our worldwide reputation. At this point, we're not just losing the war for hearts and minds against the Soviet Union, but falling someplace below Satan connected the popularity charts.

THE PRESIDENT: I concord. Launch the nukes.

NATIONAL SECURITY Adviser: At the Undivided Kingdom? But, sir—

CHIEF OF Faculty: How... how many nukes?

THE PRESIDENT: ALL THE NUKES. And not at the United Land. That's what our enemies would await us to do. If we're going to pull ahead this war on terror, we have to think outside the box. Then put our enemies into that box, seal the loge, and put the box in a warehouse somewhere ne'er to make up opened again. Possibly South Dakota. That's where they keep the Ark of the Compact, right?

NATIONAL Security measures ADVISOR: ...then where? Surely you're not going to have us nuke ourselves?

THE PRESIDENT: Of course non, that would be blockheaded.

NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR: Thank god. For a moment-

THE PRESIDENT: NUKE Canada! Unless anyone has any convincing objections...

THE PRESIDENT: You make excellent arguments, just I think we all know what happens now.

THE PRESIDENT: 21,700 deaths from 5,000 nukes?

NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR: We did admonish your predecessor not to buy them at Wal-Mart.

THE PRESIDENT: The Berlin Wal-Mart, presumably. Satire!

Squeeze SECRETARY: Did cypher else see the K on the stop there?

THE PRESIDENT: Sssh. Get into't ruin a good quip with Facts.

THE PRESIDENT: Haha, seriously?

THE PRESIDENT: Wait, the side effect from those 5,000 atomic explosion screwed up my band connectedness? Oh god, what stimulate I done? What have I through? I didn't make out! I was just about to download the Planetside 2 beta and I didn't knooooooooow!

CHIEF OF STAFF: Sir, on behalf of everyone here, and the poor victims in the nuclear wasteland you wealthy person just inflicted upon the world: we resign. All of us. Effective immediately.

THE PRESIDENT: You're every departure? But... simply why? We were having much sport!

CHIEF OF STAFF: Indeed. "Fun". The share where everyone I loved was turned into charcoal-gray prototype on the nearest wall was hilarious. If you squinted, it almost looked like my child was making cony ears instead of property her arms up in a useless attempt at shielding herself. On the plus side, with the entire humankind undivided against us, I suppose we can declare the Cold War officially over. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

THE PRESIDENT: I suppose I am the greatest person who ever lived. But to quit now? I Don't possess anything to collapse you as a goodbye present!

CHIEF OF Stave: Don't interest. We clubbed together and got you something.

THE PRESIDENT: Is information technology cake? I like cak—